Your 10 Anti-Resolutions:
1. List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
2. Be as creative as possible.
- I will not continue to check NYC apartment listings as part of my plan to expand my Mothers Against Drunk Walking project.
- I will not moonlight as a Scottish party clown to get enough money to buy All of the Seeds (not to grow, you understand; just to have).
- I will not encourage Calvin to keep a buzz cut just so I can exfoliate my facial skin gently but thoroughly.
- I will not generate fake Out Of Office responses when I just don’t want to talk to those pesky bill collectors and Mr. Pitt.
- I will not try to model Lady Gaga’s commitment to reducing the national debt by purchasing separate wigs for every hour of each day. I will cut out the middleman and go for separate heads.
- In a stunning reversal for mankind’s devolution, I will vaccinate everyone against Jenny McCarthy.
- I will not seek the NSA’s assistance in rewriting my life story by having them track down all of my previous boyfriends, but Barack’s drones can take it from there, once they’re located.
- I will not publish a paper titled “America’s Reality Shows: Model for Our Government?” in the Journal of Irreproducible Results.
- I will not ring in the New Year by scraping nails of various lengths against a chalkboard on YouTube.
- I will not create a line of fashion footwear out of recycled Plackers and Sugrue.